i wish i knew

“Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.”
Roger Caras

On Wednesday, Chuck and I had to do the hardest things in our lives.  We had to put our needs aside and choose to let sweet Nani go.  Over the past couple of months we have been in and out of the veterinary office trying to treat what at first was thought to be a severe ear infection and then bad teeth.

Last Thursday (3/17) she had two molars removed that were said to be causing an infection that was causing swelling in her face, as well as nasal discharge and a runny eye.  We had had some problems getting her to eat (which if you knew her is kind of a big deal) but it was attributed to being senstive to antibiotics and tooth pain.  Even though she wasn’t eating like she used to she was still getting around, banging her tail in greeting and letting you know when she was done cuddling by completely ignoring you.

On Monday night Chuck was throwing Nani’s ball because she wanted to play, but it rolled past her feet, she couldn’t see it.  We had a vet appointment on Tuesday that Chuck took her to.  The doctor was very concerned because it seemed overnight Nani had lost her vision.  I got he news as I was driving home and when I walked in the door upset she looked in the direction of the door and flapped her tail on the couch, ears perked because she knew it was me.  She was still in high spirits.  I thought that if she was only blind we could deal but in my heart I knew it had to be something deeper.  That night Chuck, Nani and I sat on the couch eating chili dogs and tater tots (healthy, I know).  Nani was sitting behind me and kept hanging her head upside down so her lip would flap up, it looked like she was smiling, she wanted my tater tots.

On Wednesday we got up to go to our 9am appointment with a veterinary ophthalmologist at Michigan Veterinary Services just a mile or so from our house.  We took her in and went through a short exam with the doctor.  He recommended two tests and if they came back normal he wanted to do a CT scan to check for a mass.

Since we lived so close we let them take her and we went home waiting for the results and what we could do next.  We were informed they wanted to do a CT scan, which is not at all inexpensive.  Chuck and I both agreed that we needed, for ourselves, to know what was causing all of Nani’s symptoms.  We knew the outcome wouldn’t be great but we were under the impression that they would give her a CT scan and we could pick her up and go from there.  Maybe it would mean she didn’t have long to live but we were ready to deal with that when the time came.

We were robbed of that opportunity.  What the doctors found on Nani’s CT scan astounded even them.  She had a massive brain tumor that had destroyed the facial bone in her left side, invaded her nasal cavities and her brain.  It was so bad that they recommended that we not even wake her up from the anesthesia because it could be risky bringing her out.  On top of the fact that she had just been put under 4 days earlier.  It was then we had to decide what we were going to do.  They could wake her up, but for what?  So we could selfishly look at her all doped up and say goodbye only to let her go?  They said we could take her home for a few days but that the tumor was so severe that within hours/days she would start having seizures, loose coordination, etc.  It was inevitable.  They were beyond shocked that she had lasted this long without showing more symptoms, such as head tilting and circling.  I had noticed her head tilting last Friday but thought she was in pain from having her molars removed.  So we said our goodbyes and held her while she passed over the rainbow bridge.

We did what we had to do and what felt right but not regretting our decision doesn’t help with the pain and loss we feel in our hearts.  Nani was a stubborn, self-efficient dog.  She was there when I was grieving my Mom. I used to cry into her neck and she would just lay there and absorb it, but it wasn’t because she liked being cuddled.  Oh no, only on her time and when she would allow it.  Chuck thought she was a spoiled dog when he first met her but it didn’t take long for him to fall in love with her quirkiness, hound dog bark and eye rolls.  She was a special baby that will be greatly missed.  She left his world wagging her tail and happy to meet people, even if they were the last people she would ever see.

Rest in Peace Baby Girl